On balance it would have been more satisfying to stay in but had I stayed in, I would have made the mystery of what the evening could have been a reason to be disappointed in myself. The party was a lot of standing, a lot of small talk, a lot of people surprised to see me there, and a lot of relief when I left to go home. I'm still not happy with myself and for practically the same reasons I'm always unhappy, but at least my instinct about the fun I was sure I was not going to have was spot on. There is at least that. I wore my good blue jeans, a flattering top. Truth is most women don't dress for each other and they don't dress for all guys. They dress for the guy they hope will notice them. And not just notice them but appreciate them in a way that makes them wonder what you're all about.
I grow sad on many things, especially lately, but right now I am sad over missing that rare fitting puzzle piece for me in relationships. The one where the guy thinks I'm awesome, the guy who likes the things about me I never expected in addition to the things I hoped he would admire or like. The one where I never once wish I was someone else. Where I'm so glad I'm me and not more or less of anything. It's a real damn shame that didn't work out when I did have that. It's made it impossible to want anything else. I do genuinely get people who feel they've peaked. That life has nothing more to offer them but sorrow, struggle, and disappointment. Everyone has sorrow, struggle, disappointment, the insult of my existence is there is nothing good to break it up. I've made my absent minded, work friend boss the best thing in Philly to happen to me. He's my closest friend here and we aren't even friends. But he's good to me so I'll try not to diminish our relationship by outlining what it isn't.
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