What I've learned (I think)

I've learned that while I will never be ready for my parents to pass, there is nothing unsaid between us. There are potential milestones in my life I would like for them to be present for (marriage, children), and things I wish we had done (family vacation) but I'm not estranged from either one of them like my brother and sister are from my dad. Probably takes twice as long to work that stuff out in the vacuum of loss so I hope they both make it a point to try to get there before a very sad time.

I've enjoyed the conversations with my father during this time. We're not a TV family but some of the conversations we have feel like they could have been written for a movie. They are honest, articulate, funny, deep. I know my brother and sister are still figuring out how to have that kind of conversation with dad but I think it will come.

I think dad is right, my mom would do better emotionally without him than he would do without her. He's been a mess. That woman is his entire world. But on any given ordinary day, we all take each other for granted. We take ourselves for granted. We make plans assuming we will be able to follow through on them. We hurry off the phone assuming we can call someone later. We get pissed at one another and don't speak. Whenever we don't have to acknowledge our mortality, we live like we are here forever. This time last week, I was attempting to get my mind around losing my mother at any moment. Anytime we weren't physically in the room, we panicked thinking she might slip away and would have been alone. Even driving back Monday night to drop Ashley off, we figured we might miss her so we lingered in her room talking and hoping she could hear us so she would at least know we were there.

Mercifully, cruelly, callously, life does go on. It reminded me in the occasional call from work from someone who didn't know and in the updates I received from my boss. People are having bad days because they broke a nail or got a flat tire or because they don't know how long it will be before they fully recover from an injury. In the middle of all the family drama, I went one morning before going to the hospital and got my car washed and my eyebrows shaped. It felt so weird to do. It felt weird to decide I was hungry and leave the room to eat. Seemed selfish and pragmatic at the same time. My eyebrows were out of control, my car was filthy, I'm glad both are looking good now. Still kind of felt like a BP executive taking a vacation.

As much as I want to seize this moment as a carpe diem live fearlessly moment, I still won't ask the cute guy who parks next to me out for a drink though I just adore his way. Saw him this morning. He noticed I had washed my car (he was giving me crap about how filthy it was last time I saw him) and then he gave me a hug and told me he was on his way out of town for a week to see family. Bless his West Virginian accent cotton socks. I just want to put him in my pocket. If I knew that was the last chance I had to make my move, I might have taken the plunge and just proposed we grab a drink sometime. Instead I told him I would see him when he got back. So basically, I've learned nothing from the last week.